i’m not a mess

A famous psychologist recently said that one of the most damaging things to patients he had dealt with in his clinical practice was deception on the part of a trusted person.  He talked with so many who had loved deeply only to wake up one morning to find that they had been deceived by the person they trusted most.  Everything they thought they knew to be true was suddenly suspect… unreliable… messy.

It is true…messy.  Here in the wee hours of the morning when all I can hear is the deafening tick of the clock sitting on my desk and the night noises outside my window, I sift through several years of what I thought was true to find what was untrue.  I’m not sure that I am ready to share the full story, but I assure you that it is quite painful to look back in hindsight and shine the light of truth on hundreds of tiny phrases spoken, secrets kept, or accusations made.  To see faces that knew the truth.  To know how deep the deception.  To feel the unutterable loss of time.  To be so unable to defend yourself against something so irrational as a false reality.  To watch your heart be shattered over and over again as you try to figure out what went wrong and you could have possibly prevented it.  To wonder if you should have paid more attention.

Is this chaos similar to the trauma of divorce?  The betrayal of infidelity?  The backstabbing friendship?  If so, my heart breaks for you!  I honestly never thought I would have to go through that breach of trust.  Ron and I have an exceptional marriage…no risk of divorce or unfaithfulness.  My friends are beautiful and trustworthy.  How did the Deceiver manage to deceive me from some other direction?  I didn’t know there were other doors he could stick his ugly, little toe in and wiggle his way into my world, but the door was quietly ripped off its hinges, noiselessly blown to bits, and slowly blasted into my lungs.

I know what it is like to feel as if your chest has caved in.  I know what it is to feel a weight far beyond your strength to bear.  I know what it is to wake up in the middle of the night as if you were screaming in your sleep. 
I know what it is to fight just to breath.  OH, and I know what its like to just stop talking because you think people are tired of hearing about your pain.  But…

Breath…….

Take a big, deep breath and slowly let it back out.  Now, do it again…big, deep breath and slowly let it back out.  I also know that the feelings will come and go, the weight will gradually lift, and the waking panic will happen further and further apart until it rarely happens at all.  You will be able to breath again!  

Does grief ever REALLY leave us or does it just hide somewhere in the background, ready at a moments’ notice to rise to top of our thoughts and BOOM…the mess?  I will not lie to you!  Here I sit at 2:22 AM writing so that my mind doesn’t drag me through the mess again…choosing to live beyond feelings.  I choose to lose the label “VICTIM” and pay attention!  I choose to be strong in spite of the mess! 

The fix for this mess is to CHOOSE!  Choose to fight feelings with cold, hard logic.  Read the Word.  Fight with the Word.  Remind the Deceiver of the Word.  When your chest is caving in…repeat the Word.  When the weight feels like it will crush you…repeat the Word.  When you wake up terrified…repeat the Word.  When you can’t breath…repeat the Word.  The Father of Lies, the Deceiver, truly is no match for the One Who Carves Mountains!  Believe the Word:

 Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them, for Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 CJB

This is how we fight our battles!  We are deeply feeling people in a messy world.  Pay attention to the people you walk through life with.  pay attention to yourself as YOU walk through life.  Cry hard!  Laugh hard! …and I would add… Fight hard!

YOU ARE NOT A MESS!!!  YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION!