i’m not a mess

A famous psychologist recently said that one of the most damaging things to patients he had dealt with in his clinical practice was deception on the part of a trusted person.  He talked with so many who had loved deeply only to wake up one morning to find that they had been deceived by the person they trusted most.  Everything they thought they knew to be true was suddenly suspect… unreliable… messy.

It is true…messy.  Here in the wee hours of the morning when all I can hear is the deafening tick of the clock sitting on my desk and the night noises outside my window, I sift through several years of what I thought was true to find what was untrue.  I’m not sure that I am ready to share the full story, but I assure you that it is quite painful to look back in hindsight and shine the light of truth on hundreds of tiny phrases spoken, secrets kept, or accusations made.  To see faces that knew the truth.  To know how deep the deception.  To feel the unutterable loss of time.  To be so unable to defend yourself against something so irrational as a false reality.  To watch your heart be shattered over and over again as you try to figure out what went wrong and you could have possibly prevented it.  To wonder if you should have paid more attention.

Is this chaos similar to the trauma of divorce?  The betrayal of infidelity?  The backstabbing friendship?  If so, my heart breaks for you!  I honestly never thought I would have to go through that breach of trust.  Ron and I have an exceptional marriage…no risk of divorce or unfaithfulness.  My friends are beautiful and trustworthy.  How did the Deceiver manage to deceive me from some other direction?  I didn’t know there were other doors he could stick his ugly, little toe in and wiggle his way into my world, but the door was quietly ripped off its hinges, noiselessly blown to bits, and slowly blasted into my lungs.

I know what it is like to feel as if your chest has caved in.  I know what it is to feel a weight far beyond your strength to bear.  I know what it is to wake up in the middle of the night as if you were screaming in your sleep. 
I know what it is to fight just to breath.  OH, and I know what its like to just stop talking because you think people are tired of hearing about your pain.  But…

Breath…….

Take a big, deep breath and slowly let it back out.  Now, do it again…big, deep breath and slowly let it back out.  I also know that the feelings will come and go, the weight will gradually lift, and the waking panic will happen further and further apart until it rarely happens at all.  You will be able to breath again!  

Does grief ever REALLY leave us or does it just hide somewhere in the background, ready at a moments’ notice to rise to top of our thoughts and BOOM…the mess?  I will not lie to you!  Here I sit at 2:22 AM writing so that my mind doesn’t drag me through the mess again…choosing to live beyond feelings.  I choose to lose the label “VICTIM” and pay attention!  I choose to be strong in spite of the mess! 

The fix for this mess is to CHOOSE!  Choose to fight feelings with cold, hard logic.  Read the Word.  Fight with the Word.  Remind the Deceiver of the Word.  When your chest is caving in…repeat the Word.  When the weight feels like it will crush you…repeat the Word.  When you wake up terrified…repeat the Word.  When you can’t breath…repeat the Word.  The Father of Lies, the Deceiver, truly is no match for the One Who Carves Mountains!  Believe the Word:

 Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them, for Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 CJB

This is how we fight our battles!  We are deeply feeling people in a messy world.  Pay attention to the people you walk through life with.  pay attention to yourself as YOU walk through life.  Cry hard!  Laugh hard! …and I would add… Fight hard!

YOU ARE NOT A MESS!!!  YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION!


Hanukkah 2017 – Third Night

Happy Hanukkah 2017!!!

Snowflakes!

I’m sure you’ve heard this word recently used as a derogatory term for those in our world who are easily offended, who are shattered by the slightest…slight, who are weak victims with easy lives.  Well, that is not what the Creator creates!

He forms beautiful things, unique things, fragile and precious things.  He creates the fabric of families…beautiful, complex personalities and strengths…unique, and the glittering web of life…both fragile and precious.  The culture we live in thrives on crisis, damage, suspicion and false victimhood, but we CAN choose to see past this reality and hold on to the patterns we see in a snowflake.

The order that replaces chaos.

The glitter that replaces dirt.

The light that replaces darkness.

 The beauty that replaces a frozen west wind.

The Festival of Light was birthed in a culture that truly did attempt to damage and victimize an entire people group, but the people fought back!  One family looked past their current situation and saw through to the Light.  One leader, one family, one life changed the course of a nation!  I want to be a snowflake…beautiful, unique, fragile and precious…capable of changing the world, replacing chaos, dirt, darkness and frozen wind with order, glitter, light and beauty.

Ms Rebecca


Hanukkah 2017 – Second Night

Happy Hanukkah 2017!!!

Treasure!

One of the traditions of Hanukkah is called “gelt”!  It was originally REAL money, like you don’t deal with enough money as accountants. ?  In this case, the tradition has its origin from Jewish people in Poland and it was money given to small children as a gift to their teachers.

Well, this year you have been my teachers!  Several of you have taught me to smile again.  Some of you have taught me great strength in the face of struggle.  Some of you have taught me to be braver.  Ummm…ONE of you has taught me how to be WAY too loud!  Some of you have taught me MATH?  Some of you have taught me how to handle mistakes and learn from them.  Some of you have taught me diplomacy…need that one! ?  So much treasure given to me this year in the form of growth, learning, stretching and making mistakes.

So out of the little “gelt” I have, I give to you my most precious gift…one of which I am not worthy.  I fail on a regular basis, succumb to sadness, and stumble over the smallest things, but I hold tightly to my Treasure, my joy, and then I give it away.  You will find in this tiny package my treasure…my segulah (Hebrew for special treasure).

Love

Ms Rebecca


Hanukkah 2017 – First Night

Happy Hanukkah 2017!!!

I know that several of us have had some devastating circumstances this year and we share the weight of it alongside each other.  We have shared the loss of people we love dearly or worked alongside someone who is grieving, some of us have faced devastation of family relationships due to trauma and mental illness, and some of us are walking through serious health issues.  Aside from our own struggles, we look around us and find a culture that is upside down and irrational.  I know it is a daily choice for me to put one foot in front of the other in order to return to the hopeful, happy person I once was.

Part of the path that I am needing to walk involves returning to one of the things I once loved…Hanukkah…teaching Jesus through a Jewish holiday that he Himself celebrated.  Scholar Ministries delivered gifts to over 75+ families each year that were in desperate need of smiles no matter the age or situation…just silly, happy and sometimes truly yucky fun.  The kids in our ministry adored this tradition and I will admit to thoroughly enjoying it myself. The simple sacrifice of bringing joy to other people ended up bringing great joy to us.

But something happened…

A deep sadness gripped me as I watched someone slip away into the darkness.  The further I saw that someone slip, the more ministry I laid down and became a ghost.  Some of you have seen how far I’ve come back since the beginning of this year.  I am so terribly thankful for my hubby, my Scholar Ministries family, and an incredible workplace!  Their consistent and careful acceptance of me has inspired me to try to return to being the leader I once was…thank you.

If you will allow me, I want to try to take one more giant step back into my old self.  I want to do for you what I did for so many others.  I would like to bring you a letter, a post, to read each night of Hanukkah.  Some will be silly…some will be really cool.  Some will feel like Christmas…some will feel like Hanukkah.  Each gift will require time and affection on my part.  Each gift will bring me joy.

Please just put up with me, chuckle a little, and know that I am praying for you as you walk through your Christmas/Hanukkah season and thanking God for the strength you teach me every day.

Love

Ms Rebecca